Waiting for the ball to drop...

One thing I've recently noticed that I never did before is that I'm a worrier. I don't feel like I was always like this, especially before my dad died. I think when you watch someone die, and a lot of people in a row, you're always waiting for the next "bomb" in life. For almost ten years, I was always learning that someone else I knew had died. From the time I was 12 until 22, I went to more funerals than some people do in a lifetime. It seemed just when you got over losing one person, life would knock you back to square one again. It was a continuous game of "Sorry."

Over time, I think this has majorly shaped how I look at the future and life, just waiting for it to kick me back down. I'm not always like this, but a lot of the time I am. I just never noticed it before. It's one thing I am really going to try to start doing better at. Sometimes we really don't choose to be so negative, it's just that we learned it in childhood and it formed part of who we are in adulthood.

10 Tips on How to Survive Grief from Someone Surviving Grief

I recently came across a Buzzfeed article featuring a cancer survivors business for empathy cards that speak the truth people want to say and hear during their fight. 

It made me think about so many thoughts about my dad, losing him and all the recent friends who have lost loved ones.

When I scroll through Facebook and see someone's post about losing someone close to them, I get this horrible gut-wrenching sorrow for them. Why is my feeling different than all the people outpouring their condolences on the post? Because I've been there. The moment your whole world stops. There is nothing worse. I want to tell them so many things, but when it's someone you haven't talked to in nearly 10 years, where do you start?

You start by sharing what you know. Here are my words of "wisdom" from one survivor of tragedy to someone just putting on the shoes to walk the journey of grief.

1. Grief is messy. Period. Trying to be "strong" and "fine" will not help you. Fall apart, be mad, cry, laugh, do it all. Only when you go through all the emotions, can you start to heal.

2. Time helps. I don't remember much about the funerals or the hospital. My brain has helped me not remember those parts because it's too painful. Through all the losses of my life one thing I've known is to give things a year. There is something about a year. The pain doesn't go away, ever, but life balances out more. New routines are established, and a new normal exists. Just know with time, comes more peace.

3. Nights are eerily quiet. I wouldn't sleep in my room for nearly a year after my dad passed. Later in my twenties, when I was all by myself in my apartment, hundreds of miles from my mom for the first time in my life, I couldn't shut out the fear. I eventually found the best thing to help me fall asleep: audiobooks. The Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum books saved my life! Audiobooks helped me drown out the complete quietness. They were monotone enough to fall asleep to, but they had enough noise to distract my thoughts. Seriously, download an audiobook.

4. Panic attacks are normal. I didn't properly grieve. I was a teenager who jumped right back in to life, and never slowed down for seven years. Between high school and college, I bypassed most of the stages of grief. They hit me like a ton of bricks when I moved to Ohio at 23-years-old. I couldn't hop in the car and be with my mom. I was living completely alone. Outside of my cousins, I knew no one in this new city. So my body went into panic mode. My stomach would get queasy. This warm, tingly feeling would start in my head and go all the way to my feet in seconds. My heart would beat so fast, and all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. After six months of tests, an endoscopy, and many doctor visits, my nurse practitioner said I was suffering from panic attacks. Which, by the way, are apparently very common in young women. Who knew? This leads to point number five...

5. Take the meds you need to balance out. You've suffered a tragedy. You're body and mind are out of whack. I went on an anti-depressant. It made the neurotransmitters start firing correctly again. It helped me learn how to manage and control my panic attacks. I also found that having a few Xanax pills by my bed made me more calm. I never took them except when I couldn't calm myself down from a panic attack through my breathing technique. I found that counting to five as I was breathing in and out would help me calm down. There is no need to be ashamed of needing something to help you. By speaking out about it, I found I knew so many people who used them too.

6. Read "A Grace Disguised." This book is SO helpful for anyone going through a loss. My favorite point he makes in the book is, no matter what the loss is someone is experiencing, it's a loss. A break up, divorce, death, it doesn't matter, it's all loss. Make sure you read it.

7. Write down your memories...now. It's so painful to do this one. You want to run away and escape the reality. However, memories fade. I have the hardest time remembering all the stories of my dad. 15 years later, all I want is to remember everything about him. Make a memory box. Put in all the cards and memos you get during the loss, pictures, cards from the person, anything that keeps their memory alive, put it in there. As humans, materialistic things that belonged to the person help us heal.

• Also, make a scrapbook when you're ready. It's incredibly therapeutic. I made one for the 10th anniversary. I look at it all the time, and it is my most prized possession.  

8. Ask for help. Tell people what you need them to do. Most people have no idea what to say or do, but they want to be there for you. If you need something to eat, or you just need them to sit there with you so you don't have to be alone...ask. Trust me, they want to be there for you.

9. Don't let anyone dictate how long it takes to go through the stages of grief. "It's been a year, get it over it." If you hear this one, tell that person to kiss it. Who are they to tell you how long it takes to get over the loss? I will NEVER get over losing my dad. Do what is best for you, and don't worry what others think about how you're handling your grief.

10. Grieve the person any day or time you need to. Yes, the dates (birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc.) are awful and sad, but when you need a moment to break down, do it! If a song comes on, a butterfly is near, the clouds break and you get a glimpse in to the heavens, remember that person then and there.

Make sure you tell their stories, keep their memory alive. You will find a way to navigate through life without them here, but you will be forever different. Accepting this will be so helpful.

Again just remember, grief is messy. Period.

Mother's Day

Today, I celebrated my first Mother's Day! It was so wonderful. We had breakfast with Casey's mom, sister, brother-in-law and nieces to celebrate all the moms. My big girl had pancakes and eggs.  Casey and Charlotte got me pearl earrings to thank me for everything. As a southern girl, it was the perfect gift! I've been so blessed with an amazing husband and daughter. I'm the lucky one, and today completely reminded me of this!

15 Years

As I sat in bed at 4 a.m. today with my baby who woke up from the thunderstorm, it hit me, that exact moment 15 years earlier, I was in the hospital with dad as he was taking his last few breaths. It seemed so unrealistic to think how the little girl I was then handled such a big, drastic moment.

My favorite picture of my dad and me.

That whole day is a blur minus just a few moments. I remember the moment it happened, the nurses coming in, and how his whole body changed colors once the blood stopped pumping. How I got to the lobby to see my friend Lori who was on her way home in the wee hours, I don't remember. My only other memory of the entire day that changed my life forever is going through the Burger King drive-thru with my dad's friend, Rick. I needed breakfast. Such a normal thing that just a few weeks before I was doing with my dad, I realized in that moment I would never do that simple thing ever again with my dad. I almost felt guilty that I was already moving on. The way you process things at 16 is very different from how I would have felt if it happened now at 31.

When I was living through the loss, it was hard to imagine that I would get to this moment. It seems life will never go back to "normal." What I discovered is that it is a new normal. I think about my dad almost everyday. And the way my daughter sometimes stares up makes me wonder if he is visiting her. He is the reason I am here, which is the reason Charlotte is here. It is so special and amazing. Just a few weeks ago, we stopped in Canton on our way home from Cleveland and I took her to meet her grandpa. She played with the grass and I had to snap a memory of this special moment.

To me it meant life had come full circle. All those worries and tears led me to the life I have today with my amazing husband (that I know dad hand picked for me from heaven) and beautiful daughter.

As I grieve today, I also know that he made this life I have possible. For that, I am eternally grateful. I miss you daddy and love you so much. Until we meet again...

Celebrating His Memory

When we got married nearly three years ago, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to honor my dad's memory.  How do you fill the shoes of such a big personality? You want to honor and remember them, but you don't want the moment to rain on the parade of such a happy time. Also, as sad as the moment was for me to not have my dad walk me down the aisle or dance with me, I didn't want it to be a continuous shrine to my late father. As big as the loss was, I didn't want to take away from the losses Casey had or depress the mood of the party.

So, I wanted my dad to be there as I walked down the aisle. We came up with an idea to release 12 white balloons as I came down. My cousin, Lauri, told everyone the plan while waiting on the bridal party to arrive. I had friends and family who knew my dad hold and release each balloon as I walked past them. It was so special and I really feel like he was walking with my mom and I.

At the reception, we had a memory table set up with pictures of all the loved ones we had lost and scrapbooks of our childhoods set out.  We also lit a candle that said, "For those we have loved and lost along the way, a flame to remember them burns here today."

And, we also had Casey and his mom dance beside my mom and me. Though, the best moment of all, was having my dad's brother, Paul, dance with me. It was simply amazing. I really feel all of these gestures honored the memory of my dad and our grandparents at our wedding.

Now, I will leave this post with this picture. You cannot tell me we didn't have angels watching over our special day with a beautiful sunset like this behind us.

Revival

It's been a few years since my last blog. Ok, four years actually, but who is counting? So much life has happened in those few short years! We got married (hello, Mrs. Ackerman!), I switched jobs, joined the 30 and over club, bought a house, bought two new cars, had a BaBy and added a new puppy! It's been a lot, to say the least. So many happy memories have filled my heart. Yet, lately, I've come to realize that in a month 15 years will have passed since my dad left. 

When we found out he was sick I was 15-years-old. It hit me, I've literally lived an entire life since my dad got sick. For as many years as he was on this earth with me, he has been gone the same amount. And, since most of my memories are that of a child, I can't seem to remember him the way I used. The stories are fading, and so are the people in my life that knew him (and the old me). All the steps of grief have come back, except for denial, I know he's gone. Mostly, I've been in an anger rut. A continuous, "why me?" 

I feel a lot of this stemmed from the birth of our daughter, Charlotte, this past June. She is growing up in a world without him. And to me, it seems completely unfair to her. I've accepted that it is my life story, but I cannot get past the resentment I feel for her loss. She never even got a chance to know him (unless she sees him, in a way I can't. I know kids have a way of seeing those who have passed that as adults, we simply cannot.).

My cousin, Molly, gave me such a great help with this "why me?" recently. She told me she believes God has this deck of cards full of bad situations that he has to hand out. When he saw the deal my family received, she believes he knew we were the only family strong enough to come through this, and still be good people. It was simply amazing, and just what I needed to hear. She said she believes the reason "bad things happen to good people" is because God knows they will still be good people after the bad thing happens. 

So, last night I got this feeling, and I couldn't fall asleep. I've been trying to figure out for all these years why this happened, and I knew a part of it was to get to this exact point. I needed to revive this blog and share my story. So, here we go...

He is Still With Me

Over Easter, I got an amazing gift. Mom had told me a few weeks earlier that there was a present from my dad for my recent engagement, but she did not want to mail it for the fear of it getting lost. While sitting on my old bedroom set bed with my cousin, Megan, and my mom, I opened a present that had been waiting for me for 11 years.

Before my dad passed away he got this present for me for when I got engaged. He wanted so badly to be apart of every important thing in my life, but knew his time was drawing to an end soon. Through my mom's best friend, Laura, and unbeknownst to me or mom, he bought the gift in the picture.

It is the precious moment set called, "Wishing you the perfect choice." It is so perfect since he knew he would not get to meet him, so he wished me the one thing he could, the perfect choice. He got the blond version because he said I was always his blond girl. The little boy figurine is holding a check-marked paper with yes or no, an engagement ring and the girl has a pen. It is so perfect, and amazing to get something from him after he has been gone for so long. It was 11 years in April, and I got this present at Easter. The timing was so perfect since dad was a devout catholic and his faith was so important during the 10 months before he passed. This gift has more meaning than I can begin to say, and it makes me sad and happy all at the same time. I did make a perfect choice, but the most important man in my life will never get to meet him or see where I am now as a woman versus the little girl he left behind.

I miss him everyday, but I again have something that is from him, that he touched and loved , and what is better than that? In my mind the only thing better is if he were here, but I will take something he touched if I cannot have him.

Thanks daddy! I love you and miss you! Love, Your Princess