Celebrating His Memory

When we got married nearly three years ago, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to honor my dad's memory.  How do you fill the shoes of such a big personality? You want to honor and remember them, but you don't want the moment to rain on the parade of such a happy time. Also, as sad as the moment was for me to not have my dad walk me down the aisle or dance with me, I didn't want it to be a continuous shrine to my late father. As big as the loss was, I didn't want to take away from the losses Casey had or depress the mood of the party.

So, I wanted my dad to be there as I walked down the aisle. We came up with an idea to release 12 white balloons as I came down. My cousin, Lauri, told everyone the plan while waiting on the bridal party to arrive. I had friends and family who knew my dad hold and release each balloon as I walked past them. It was so special and I really feel like he was walking with my mom and I.

At the reception, we had a memory table set up with pictures of all the loved ones we had lost and scrapbooks of our childhoods set out.  We also lit a candle that said, "For those we have loved and lost along the way, a flame to remember them burns here today."

And, we also had Casey and his mom dance beside my mom and me. Though, the best moment of all, was having my dad's brother, Paul, dance with me. It was simply amazing. I really feel all of these gestures honored the memory of my dad and our grandparents at our wedding.

Now, I will leave this post with this picture. You cannot tell me we didn't have angels watching over our special day with a beautiful sunset like this behind us.

Revival

It's been a few years since my last blog. Ok, four years actually, but who is counting? So much life has happened in those few short years! We got married (hello, Mrs. Ackerman!), I switched jobs, joined the 30 and over club, bought a house, bought two new cars, had a BaBy and added a new puppy! It's been a lot, to say the least. So many happy memories have filled my heart. Yet, lately, I've come to realize that in a month 15 years will have passed since my dad left. 

When we found out he was sick I was 15-years-old. It hit me, I've literally lived an entire life since my dad got sick. For as many years as he was on this earth with me, he has been gone the same amount. And, since most of my memories are that of a child, I can't seem to remember him the way I used. The stories are fading, and so are the people in my life that knew him (and the old me). All the steps of grief have come back, except for denial, I know he's gone. Mostly, I've been in an anger rut. A continuous, "why me?" 

I feel a lot of this stemmed from the birth of our daughter, Charlotte, this past June. She is growing up in a world without him. And to me, it seems completely unfair to her. I've accepted that it is my life story, but I cannot get past the resentment I feel for her loss. She never even got a chance to know him (unless she sees him, in a way I can't. I know kids have a way of seeing those who have passed that as adults, we simply cannot.).

My cousin, Molly, gave me such a great help with this "why me?" recently. She told me she believes God has this deck of cards full of bad situations that he has to hand out. When he saw the deal my family received, she believes he knew we were the only family strong enough to come through this, and still be good people. It was simply amazing, and just what I needed to hear. She said she believes the reason "bad things happen to good people" is because God knows they will still be good people after the bad thing happens. 

So, last night I got this feeling, and I couldn't fall asleep. I've been trying to figure out for all these years why this happened, and I knew a part of it was to get to this exact point. I needed to revive this blog and share my story. So, here we go...