I recently came across a Buzzfeed article featuring a cancer survivors business for empathy cards that speak the truth people want to say and hear during their fight. 
It made me think about so many thoughts about my dad, losing him and all the recent friends who have lost loved ones.
When I scroll through Facebook and see someone's post about losing someone close to them, I get this horrible gut-wrenching sorrow for them. Why is my feeling different than all the people outpouring their condolences on the post? Because I've been there. The moment your whole world stops. There is nothing worse. I want to tell them so many things, but when it's someone you haven't talked to in nearly 10 years, where do you start?
You start by sharing what you know. Here are my words of "wisdom" from one survivor of tragedy to someone just putting on the shoes to walk the journey of grief.
1. Grief is messy. Period. Trying to be "strong" and "fine" will not help you. Fall apart, be mad, cry, laugh, do it all. Only when you go through all the emotions, can you start to heal.
2. Time helps. I don't remember much about the funerals or the hospital. My brain has helped me not remember those parts because it's too painful. Through all the losses of my life one thing I've known is to give things a year. There is something about a year. The pain doesn't go away, ever, but life balances out more. New routines are established, and a new normal exists. Just know with time, comes more peace.
3. Nights are eerily quiet. I wouldn't sleep in my room for nearly a year after my dad passed. Later in my twenties, when I was all by myself in my apartment, hundreds of miles from my mom for the first time in my life, I couldn't shut out the fear. I eventually found the best thing to help me fall asleep: audiobooks. The Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum books saved my life! Audiobooks helped me drown out the complete quietness. They were monotone enough to fall asleep to, but they had enough noise to distract my thoughts. Seriously, download an audiobook.
4. Panic attacks are normal. I didn't properly grieve. I was a teenager who jumped right back in to life, and never slowed down for seven years. Between high school and college, I bypassed most of the stages of grief. They hit me like a ton of bricks when I moved to Ohio at 23-years-old. I couldn't hop in the car and be with my mom. I was living completely alone. Outside of my cousins, I knew no one in this new city. So my body went into panic mode. My stomach would get queasy. This warm, tingly feeling would start in my head and go all the way to my feet in seconds. My heart would beat so fast, and all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. After six months of tests, an endoscopy, and many doctor visits, my nurse practitioner said I was suffering from panic attacks. Which, by the way, are apparently very common in young women. Who knew? This leads to point number five...
5. Take the meds you need to balance out. You've suffered a tragedy. You're body and mind are out of whack. I went on an anti-depressant. It made the neurotransmitters start firing correctly again. It helped me learn how to manage and control my panic attacks. I also found that having a few Xanax pills by my bed made me more calm. I never took them except when I couldn't calm myself down from a panic attack through my breathing technique. I found that counting to five as I was breathing in and out would help me calm down. There is no need to be ashamed of needing something to help you. By speaking out about it, I found I knew so many people who used them too.
6. Read "A Grace Disguised." This book is SO helpful for anyone going through a loss. My favorite point he makes in the book is, no matter what the loss is someone is experiencing, it's a loss. A break up, divorce, death, it doesn't matter, it's all loss. Make sure you read it.
7. Write down your memories...now. It's so painful to do this one. You want to run away and escape the reality. However, memories fade. I have the hardest time remembering all the stories of my dad. 15 years later, all I want is to remember everything about him. Make a memory box. Put in all the cards and memos you get during the loss, pictures, cards from the person, anything that keeps their memory alive, put it in there. As humans, materialistic things that belonged to the person help us heal.
- Also, make a scrapbook when you're ready. It's incredibly therapeutic. I made one for the 10th anniversary. I look at it all the time, and it is my most prized possession.
8. Ask for help. Tell people what you need them to do. Most people have no idea what to say or do, but they want to be there for you. If you need something to eat, or you just need them to sit there with you so you don't have to be alone...ask. Trust me, they want to be there for you.
9. Don't let anyone dictate how long it takes to go through the stages of grief. "It's been a year, get it over it." If you hear this one, tell that person to kiss it. Who are they to tell you how long it takes to get over the loss? I will NEVER get over losing my dad. Do what is best for you, and don't worry what others think about how you're handling your grief.
10. Grieve the person any day or time you need to. Yes, the dates (birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc.) are awful and sad, but when you need a moment to break down, do it! If a song comes on, a butterfly is near, the clouds break and you get a glimpse in to the heavens, remember that person then and there.
Make sure you tell their stories, keep their memory alive. You will find a way to navigate through life without them here, but you will be forever different. Accepting this will be so helpful.
Again just remember, grief is messy. Period.
