When Father's Day Finally Became Happy Again

Until June of 2014, Father's Day was always a day full of grief. I watched as friends posted happy memories of their dads, but I only had pictures to post of what I once had. My pictures show the age of how long it had been without him. 14 years of a day centered around celebrating a man who wasn't there. It was too devastating to bear. Then, like a sign from dad, my daughter was born on Father's Day weekend. I got to celebrate the day again by celebrating my husband as a dad. He's the best dad! So loving, doting and caring...he makes her world go round. The day finally became filled with happiness again. I was able to buy Father's Day gifts again, and the day isn't as bad anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely miss my dad. This day still hurts because he's not here, but my husband and daughter make it better. I would give anything to be able to call or see my dad, and I will when I leave this world, but until then, I have these two to enjoy. 

Happy Father's Day to my daddy in heaven, and to my amazing husband!

And if you still have your dad, call him, see him, hug him and tell him you love him. One day, you won't be able to do it anymore. 

The Way I Know He's Still Here...

When my dad died, one of the worst thoughts I had was knowing he would never meet my husband or children. At the time, it was merely a thought, but what happened years later is one way I know he's still with me. 

I've had moments throughout these 16 years where I've felt his presence, or known it was my dad running the show up in heaven that lead me to where I was. For one, I know he handpicked my husband, and found a way to get me to move to Ohio to meet him. And, It's also hard to deny the magic of heaven when my cousin drove down from Ohio while my dad was dying to share a little secret that made his appearance on my birthday, nine months later. But, on to the reason for this post in the first place...

As my daughter has grown up, and her hair actually came in, we've noticed it has an undeniable strawberry blond color. She gets it from my dad. It's a daily reminder that she has his DNA. He lives on through this mutual puzzle of genetics. There's Irish in that girl, and to me, it feels like it's a sign from my dad that he's still here. And, yes, it's technically a genetic luck of the draw that she got it, but it makes me smile everyday. Grief takes so many things away, but it gives back in strange little ways...this is one for sure!

Until It's Your Loss...

Have you buried a parent, spouse, sibling or child? Especially, when it was way before their time to leave this earth? If you have, you'll totally relate. If you haven't, pay attention because this post will help you be more empathetic to those in your life that have. My dad died of stomach cancer when I was 16. I'm now 32. I lost something beyond imaginable to most. Every single day, I think of him. Some days it's a happy memory, and some days I cry because I miss him or I'm still pissed over what I lost. In layman's terms, half of my life has been spent missing someone. A missing and longing with the ultimate finality. To see him again will be the day I leave this earth myself. If you've never buried an immediate family member, you have no idea how painful it is to long for the person and the life you lost with them until it's yours. 

Not a day of your life passes without thinking of that person. There is always something that reminds you of them. Now imagine what it feels like on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Some years on these days, I'm smiling as I think of him (and actually most holidays this is true), but my dad’s birthday and anniversary of his death always seem to haunt me. Some people who grieve have the ability to live these days as another day and grieve at different times. I am simply not able to do that. I think especially for me, the anniversary of his death reminds me of the day my childhood ended. No 16-year-old kid should have to wake up to her father’s body drained of life. But I did. That is the last memory of the man who was bigger than life, full of wisdom, full of energy, a giant-hearted man. I felt so robbed of the life we would've had. It all died in that moment. Therefore, every year when this day comes about, I'm a total mess. 

But the saddest part to me is if I didn't post on social media about it, most of the people in my life wouldn't even know what the day is. To most, it's just another day. The day that changed my life, destroyed dreams, and took away half of the reason I'm alive is nothing more to most than a typical day. And I get it, this day doesn't directly affect you. But it makes me a full on mess.

So, my point of this post is to be a better friend to those who are brave enough to post on social media about their loved ones. Whether it's the anniversary or just a regular day where they're posting, engage with them. They're sharing because they're in need of love. 

We're heartbroken, and yes, we're seeking the engagement because we need to know others love us and remember the person we lost. And if you knew the person who passed, please comment about how amazing they were or share a memory of that person. Because for a fleeting moment they come back to life when you share a memory. (And to those who did this for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words and kindness make those days better. I love each and everyone of you so much!) We may know the story you share or we may not, but you have no idea what it means to us. Please call us, text us, send us a message/email or comment on our post. We may not respond in the moment, but you will have changed the course of the day. Why? Because we're not alone, we're loved, and most importantly, our loved one is loved. 

Talk to me Goose...

It's so interesting to me even after all the years that have gone by since my dad passed away how in the most unlikely of places and moments something instantly reminds you of the loved one you lost.

My dad was a huge personality, and he loved to embarrass, impress, annoy or over-the-top show his love. I so distinctly remember how my dad loved to blast the volume and show off his surround sound system. It reminds me of the part in the Italian Job one of the characters wants speakers so loud it would blast a woman's dress off. Dad loved to crank it loud, pump up the bass and shake everything in the area. He got such a kick out of it. I've lost a lot of memories of him, but this is one I'll never forget. Dad's favorite movie/soundtrack to use? The opening song in Top Gun. So melodic, with the navy planes blasting and a ton of boom, it was his giddy joy to make people jump when all the loud noises kicked in.

A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting with my former boss and his son took me on a tour of their home. The highlight was the movie room. As he worked to play something and crank the volume, the memory of dad came top of mind at a speed of quickness I can't explain. It's sad and joyous all in the same moment. Grief does that, pulls many emotions out all at once. As they talk and play a movie, all I can think about is that moment and what life would be like if he were here today. I just know dad would have a movie room with Top Gun constantly prepped to play at a moments notice. 

I'm even reminded of it again as I scroll through our DVR to pick a movie to fall asleep to and pass Top Gun in the list. I crack a smile, a tiny laugh and a have brief memory of the first man I loved. Maybe it's a subtle way he reminds me he's still around or just a precious internal way of keeping him alive, but I love it. For a brief moment he's alive again and never left. I live for little moments like this. It's what anyone who grieves does. In the midst of a point in life filled with uncertainty, this give me peace. What a wonderful gift.   

16.

16 years. This anniversary of my dad's death tomorrow means something different this year. I was 16 the day my dad left this earth and went to heaven. I've been dreading this one since the moment he died. I figured it out in my head that day. So, what's the significance behind this one? It means every second, minute, hour, day, month and year from this moment on, I will have lived longer on this Earth without my dad than with him alive. 

I feel as though my grief is stronger now than it was then, for many reasons. Mainly, my life has a deeper meaning since having a husband and baby. At the time, no big milestones had passed. Now, everything I realized he'd never be a part of has happened in the 16 years without him. I graduated high school, graduated college, got my first big girl job, met and married the love of my life and had a baby. All without the man who made my life possible. He's missed all of them. 

I really grieve today what I didn't know I had lost then. Grief doesn't end just because a certain number of years have passed. I think of him everyday. More than I did in the years immediately afterwards. It was a long, messy journey to reach this day. There was more heartache than I ever knew one person could feel. A part of me died the day he left. And since that day, when I see a butterfly, hear a certain song, drive through his hometown or stare at my daughter's hair (that is my dad's exact color), my heart fills with loss and the tears flow. What no one can explain is the lifelong sadness you continuously feel, which for me has grown stronger with each day that passes. 

From the moment I wake up tomorrow, I will have truly lived a lifetime without the man who shaped the woman I grew in to. I hope he's had a front row seat to it in heaven -- and is proud. I think he is. I hope he continues to be my guardian angel and guides me through life from a far. May he be the one who opens every window when a door closes for me, my mom, my husband and daughter. 16-32...I survived, in mainly one piece. I pray the next 16 years and beyond are full of wonderful experiences and my biggest cheerleader is rooting me on, all while telling all the other angels to gather the Bloody Mary's and come on over.

Late night grief

The worst part of grief....

Is that it sneaks up on you. As I lay in bed, I start praying. Life's been full of changes lately, and for the first time in forever, I've begun praying. I need guidance. I lost my belief in God after my dad died. I've never fully regained it. But tonight, I needed him. As I pray for guidance about all the changes, the grief hits me. Like a ton of bricks....bam. I do the math and put together that it's been 16 years since my last Christmas with my dad. I've literally lived through more Christmases without him then with him. And here come the tears. The part that gets me is I don't remember many because I was a child. I'm heartbroken. I miss him. I'd give anything to have him here or at least remember more of them. The holidays can be overbearing no matter how long they've been gone. Time doesn't heal everything. Just remember those who grieve never stop...and grief never warns you when it will hit. Tonight grief won. Tomorrow begins a new day.

Waiting for the ball to drop...

One thing I've recently noticed that I never did before is that I'm a worrier. I don't feel like I was always like this, especially before my dad died. I think when you watch someone die, and a lot of people in a row, you're always waiting for the next "bomb" in life. For almost ten years, I was always learning that someone else I knew had died. From the time I was 12 until 22, I went to more funerals than some people do in a lifetime. It seemed just when you got over losing one person, life would knock you back to square one again. It was a continuous game of "Sorry."

Over time, I think this has majorly shaped how I look at the future and life, just waiting for it to kick me back down. I'm not always like this, but a lot of the time I am. I just never noticed it before. It's one thing I am really going to try to start doing better at. Sometimes we really don't choose to be so negative, it's just that we learned it in childhood and it formed part of who we are in adulthood.