Spirits Around Us

I've always been a firm believer that the spirits of relatives who have passed are around us constantly. I've had several encounters with my dad and grandparents in the 18 years since my Grammy and 16 years since my dad and Poppy passed. From feeling them to seeing white marks in pictures, all along the journey of life, I've encountered them. 

Last night, they clearly wanted their presence known. Mom, Charlotte and I went to a family reunion for my Grammy's side of the family. I tell mom we need our pictures taken because we're rarely all dressed with hair and makeup on at once. We're on the porch with mom's brothers and Grammy's brother, and my uncle snaps a bunch of pictures of the three of us. Nothing crazy, just an iPhone camera, no editing, just a bunch of about 15 pics. I get the phone and start looking at them. 

I'm not kidding when I say EVERY single picture we're covered in these white marks all around our faces and arms. 15 photos with changing from the three of us, to mom and me, to Charlotte and me. All of them. I get goosebumps looking at these. You can say it's the lighting or whatever, but as a believer who has had this happen to photos all these years, I know without a shadow of a doubt, my family surrounded the three of us. If they can't be here physically, they're here with their presence. ❤️ 

Here's one of the pictures with no editing: 

Until It's Your Loss...

Have you buried a parent, spouse, sibling or child? Especially, when it was way before their time to leave this earth? If you have, you'll totally relate. If you haven't, pay attention because this post will help you be more empathetic to those in your life that have. My dad died of stomach cancer when I was 16. I'm now 32. I lost something beyond imaginable to most. Every single day, I think of him. Some days it's a happy memory, and some days I cry because I miss him or I'm still pissed over what I lost. In layman's terms, half of my life has been spent missing someone. A missing and longing with the ultimate finality. To see him again will be the day I leave this earth myself. If you've never buried an immediate family member, you have no idea how painful it is to long for the person and the life you lost with them until it's yours. 

Not a day of your life passes without thinking of that person. There is always something that reminds you of them. Now imagine what it feels like on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Some years on these days, I'm smiling as I think of him (and actually most holidays this is true), but my dad’s birthday and anniversary of his death always seem to haunt me. Some people who grieve have the ability to live these days as another day and grieve at different times. I am simply not able to do that. I think especially for me, the anniversary of his death reminds me of the day my childhood ended. No 16-year-old kid should have to wake up to her father’s body drained of life. But I did. That is the last memory of the man who was bigger than life, full of wisdom, full of energy, a giant-hearted man. I felt so robbed of the life we would've had. It all died in that moment. Therefore, every year when this day comes about, I'm a total mess. 

But the saddest part to me is if I didn't post on social media about it, most of the people in my life wouldn't even know what the day is. To most, it's just another day. The day that changed my life, destroyed dreams, and took away half of the reason I'm alive is nothing more to most than a typical day. And I get it, this day doesn't directly affect you. But it makes me a full on mess.

So, my point of this post is to be a better friend to those who are brave enough to post on social media about their loved ones. Whether it's the anniversary or just a regular day where they're posting, engage with them. They're sharing because they're in need of love. 

We're heartbroken, and yes, we're seeking the engagement because we need to know others love us and remember the person we lost. And if you knew the person who passed, please comment about how amazing they were or share a memory of that person. Because for a fleeting moment they come back to life when you share a memory. (And to those who did this for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words and kindness make those days better. I love each and everyone of you so much!) We may know the story you share or we may not, but you have no idea what it means to us. Please call us, text us, send us a message/email or comment on our post. We may not respond in the moment, but you will have changed the course of the day. Why? Because we're not alone, we're loved, and most importantly, our loved one is loved. 

16.

16 years. This anniversary of my dad's death tomorrow means something different this year. I was 16 the day my dad left this earth and went to heaven. I've been dreading this one since the moment he died. I figured it out in my head that day. So, what's the significance behind this one? It means every second, minute, hour, day, month and year from this moment on, I will have lived longer on this Earth without my dad than with him alive. 

I feel as though my grief is stronger now than it was then, for many reasons. Mainly, my life has a deeper meaning since having a husband and baby. At the time, no big milestones had passed. Now, everything I realized he'd never be a part of has happened in the 16 years without him. I graduated high school, graduated college, got my first big girl job, met and married the love of my life and had a baby. All without the man who made my life possible. He's missed all of them. 

I really grieve today what I didn't know I had lost then. Grief doesn't end just because a certain number of years have passed. I think of him everyday. More than I did in the years immediately afterwards. It was a long, messy journey to reach this day. There was more heartache than I ever knew one person could feel. A part of me died the day he left. And since that day, when I see a butterfly, hear a certain song, drive through his hometown or stare at my daughter's hair (that is my dad's exact color), my heart fills with loss and the tears flow. What no one can explain is the lifelong sadness you continuously feel, which for me has grown stronger with each day that passes. 

From the moment I wake up tomorrow, I will have truly lived a lifetime without the man who shaped the woman I grew in to. I hope he's had a front row seat to it in heaven -- and is proud. I think he is. I hope he continues to be my guardian angel and guides me through life from a far. May he be the one who opens every window when a door closes for me, my mom, my husband and daughter. 16-32...I survived, in mainly one piece. I pray the next 16 years and beyond are full of wonderful experiences and my biggest cheerleader is rooting me on, all while telling all the other angels to gather the Bloody Mary's and come on over.

10 Tips on How to Survive Grief from Someone Surviving Grief

I recently came across a Buzzfeed article featuring a cancer survivors business for empathy cards that speak the truth people want to say and hear during their fight. 

It made me think about so many thoughts about my dad, losing him and all the recent friends who have lost loved ones.

When I scroll through Facebook and see someone's post about losing someone close to them, I get this horrible gut-wrenching sorrow for them. Why is my feeling different than all the people outpouring their condolences on the post? Because I've been there. The moment your whole world stops. There is nothing worse. I want to tell them so many things, but when it's someone you haven't talked to in nearly 10 years, where do you start?

You start by sharing what you know. Here are my words of "wisdom" from one survivor of tragedy to someone just putting on the shoes to walk the journey of grief.

1. Grief is messy. Period. Trying to be "strong" and "fine" will not help you. Fall apart, be mad, cry, laugh, do it all. Only when you go through all the emotions, can you start to heal.

2. Time helps. I don't remember much about the funerals or the hospital. My brain has helped me not remember those parts because it's too painful. Through all the losses of my life one thing I've known is to give things a year. There is something about a year. The pain doesn't go away, ever, but life balances out more. New routines are established, and a new normal exists. Just know with time, comes more peace.

3. Nights are eerily quiet. I wouldn't sleep in my room for nearly a year after my dad passed. Later in my twenties, when I was all by myself in my apartment, hundreds of miles from my mom for the first time in my life, I couldn't shut out the fear. I eventually found the best thing to help me fall asleep: audiobooks. The Janet Evanovich Stephanie Plum books saved my life! Audiobooks helped me drown out the complete quietness. They were monotone enough to fall asleep to, but they had enough noise to distract my thoughts. Seriously, download an audiobook.

4. Panic attacks are normal. I didn't properly grieve. I was a teenager who jumped right back in to life, and never slowed down for seven years. Between high school and college, I bypassed most of the stages of grief. They hit me like a ton of bricks when I moved to Ohio at 23-years-old. I couldn't hop in the car and be with my mom. I was living completely alone. Outside of my cousins, I knew no one in this new city. So my body went into panic mode. My stomach would get queasy. This warm, tingly feeling would start in my head and go all the way to my feet in seconds. My heart would beat so fast, and all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. After six months of tests, an endoscopy, and many doctor visits, my nurse practitioner said I was suffering from panic attacks. Which, by the way, are apparently very common in young women. Who knew? This leads to point number five...

5. Take the meds you need to balance out. You've suffered a tragedy. You're body and mind are out of whack. I went on an anti-depressant. It made the neurotransmitters start firing correctly again. It helped me learn how to manage and control my panic attacks. I also found that having a few Xanax pills by my bed made me more calm. I never took them except when I couldn't calm myself down from a panic attack through my breathing technique. I found that counting to five as I was breathing in and out would help me calm down. There is no need to be ashamed of needing something to help you. By speaking out about it, I found I knew so many people who used them too.

6. Read "A Grace Disguised." This book is SO helpful for anyone going through a loss. My favorite point he makes in the book is, no matter what the loss is someone is experiencing, it's a loss. A break up, divorce, death, it doesn't matter, it's all loss. Make sure you read it.

7. Write down your memories...now. It's so painful to do this one. You want to run away and escape the reality. However, memories fade. I have the hardest time remembering all the stories of my dad. 15 years later, all I want is to remember everything about him. Make a memory box. Put in all the cards and memos you get during the loss, pictures, cards from the person, anything that keeps their memory alive, put it in there. As humans, materialistic things that belonged to the person help us heal.

• Also, make a scrapbook when you're ready. It's incredibly therapeutic. I made one for the 10th anniversary. I look at it all the time, and it is my most prized possession.  

8. Ask for help. Tell people what you need them to do. Most people have no idea what to say or do, but they want to be there for you. If you need something to eat, or you just need them to sit there with you so you don't have to be alone...ask. Trust me, they want to be there for you.

9. Don't let anyone dictate how long it takes to go through the stages of grief. "It's been a year, get it over it." If you hear this one, tell that person to kiss it. Who are they to tell you how long it takes to get over the loss? I will NEVER get over losing my dad. Do what is best for you, and don't worry what others think about how you're handling your grief.

10. Grieve the person any day or time you need to. Yes, the dates (birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc.) are awful and sad, but when you need a moment to break down, do it! If a song comes on, a butterfly is near, the clouds break and you get a glimpse in to the heavens, remember that person then and there.

Make sure you tell their stories, keep their memory alive. You will find a way to navigate through life without them here, but you will be forever different. Accepting this will be so helpful.

Again just remember, grief is messy. Period.