Late night grief

The worst part of grief....

Is that it sneaks up on you. As I lay in bed, I start praying. Life's been full of changes lately, and for the first time in forever, I've begun praying. I need guidance. I lost my belief in God after my dad died. I've never fully regained it. But tonight, I needed him. As I pray for guidance about all the changes, the grief hits me. Like a ton of bricks....bam. I do the math and put together that it's been 16 years since my last Christmas with my dad. I've literally lived through more Christmases without him then with him. And here come the tears. The part that gets me is I don't remember many because I was a child. I'm heartbroken. I miss him. I'd give anything to have him here or at least remember more of them. The holidays can be overbearing no matter how long they've been gone. Time doesn't heal everything. Just remember those who grieve never stop...and grief never warns you when it will hit. Tonight grief won. Tomorrow begins a new day.

He is Still With Me

Over Easter, I got an amazing gift. Mom had told me a few weeks earlier that there was a present from my dad for my recent engagement, but she did not want to mail it for the fear of it getting lost. While sitting on my old bedroom set bed with my cousin, Megan, and my mom, I opened a present that had been waiting for me for 11 years.

Before my dad passed away he got this present for me for when I got engaged. He wanted so badly to be apart of every important thing in my life, but knew his time was drawing to an end soon. Through my mom's best friend, Laura, and unbeknownst to me or mom, he bought the gift in the picture.

It is the precious moment set called, "Wishing you the perfect choice." It is so perfect since he knew he would not get to meet him, so he wished me the one thing he could, the perfect choice. He got the blond version because he said I was always his blond girl. The little boy figurine is holding a check-marked paper with yes or no, an engagement ring and the girl has a pen. It is so perfect, and amazing to get something from him after he has been gone for so long. It was 11 years in April, and I got this present at Easter. The timing was so perfect since dad was a devout catholic and his faith was so important during the 10 months before he passed. This gift has more meaning than I can begin to say, and it makes me sad and happy all at the same time. I did make a perfect choice, but the most important man in my life will never get to meet him or see where I am now as a woman versus the little girl he left behind.

I miss him everyday, but I again have something that is from him, that he touched and loved , and what is better than that? In my mind the only thing better is if he were here, but I will take something he touched if I cannot have him.

Thanks daddy! I love you and miss you! Love, Your Princess