My Master Class

So, last week I watched Oprah's Master Class on her network, OWN. She said this line, and it really resonated with me. "Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for the moment that is to come." - Oprah This got me to think about two things: 1. What is my moment to come? 2. What would my master class look like? My moment to come: I have no idea! Is it a career moment? Is it my upcoming marriage? Kids? House? Who knows? I hope it is just a moment that provides happiness. All those listed items would be wonderful and truly welcomed. Given the chance though, I would not want to know what is coming. Part of the joy in life is not knowing what the future holds. I'm ready for whatever comes - because I've had quite a few speed bumps in my life. My Master Class: life lessons of a grieving child. What I have learned the most from are my losses. I have more empathy for loss than ever expected. And apparently, I am good at giving advice on tough subjects. Everyone has a solution answer to any loss, "It will be ok, you're better off without him, it will only make you stronger, blah, blah, blah." This is what you say when you haven't experienced something that devastating. No one tells you how to get through the every day crap. Yes, you will be fine after a loss, but there is no time limit on how long it takes. And being fine is just getting through the crap, healing is a whole other beast. I'm still figuring out how to heal from the death of my dad. In two days it will be 11 years since he passed, and I am still not ok. You usually bounce back to your previous self within a few months, but no one understands what every waking up every day after that loss feels like. It is so hard to fall asleep at night, because then you are truly left alone with your thoughts, and it so damn scary! And when you wake up you have this peaceful moment, and then the reality sets in. I have found several solutions...reading great books, and audio books! They are monotone enough that you can fall asleep, but enough to block out your thoughts. My favorites, and the ones I listen to every night are Janet Evaonvich's Stephanie Plum Series. Also, the best grief book, and I thank my mom for making me read it (10 years later) , is A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, by Jerry Sittser. ***Here are some disclosures about the books: if you are offended by any obscene language don't read the Janet Evanovich books - they are adult content. If your religious views are not of a Christian descent, A Grace Disguised may not be your cup of tea, but the overall message is amazing.*** Also, having panic attacks is not abnormal. Mine started four years ago. I have them under control now after consulting my doctor and understanding what they are. It took a while to know my triggers, and I know now. I have found through many conversations with women I know, they are very common. The pamphlet my doctor gave me said that they are most common in women in their twenties. A lot of life changes are just too much to handle and your body has reactions. Mine start with a warm feeling that starts in my head, moves down my body quickly and I get a numb feeling. Then my heart races, I sweat, and I feel like I am going to be incredibly sick to my stomach. I cannot breathe, I get the shakes and I feel like the only way I will be ok is that you have to take me to the hospital because I am dying. They say that they feel like heart attacks, and many people go to the hospital thinking they are having a heart attack, when in fact they are having a panic attack. I think the best advice of my master class would be that life is bumpy, grief is messy and there is no cure-all to loss. You have to take your own path, and hope that you have great friends, family and a spouse who can be there to help you. Casey knows when I say, "I'm having an attack," means stop what we are doing, help Meredith breathe and oddly enough - rub my stomach. I am reminded of a great quote from Sex and the City: Carrie: Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cites. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away. (Read more) Friends really are the key to survival, and hopefully, just a plane ride away. I am blessed and still healing.

Sorry Boys, I'm Off the Market!!

He proposed!!!! On January 8, 2011 Casey asked me to marry him in front of some of our closest family and friends! It was my birthday present, and a mighty good one if I do say so myself! We're getting married in the summer of 2012 at the beach! -)

So, I know girls want to do know, "How'd he do it?"

I had NO idea! In the fall we jokingly stopped into a jewelry store at a mall here in town. He said, "I've never heard of this place."

I said, "Let's check it out." Totally joking mind you, and I did it just to aggrevate him. And the first ring we saw was so beautiful, I fell in love with it. We left the store and I thought that was the end of it. Nope - he went back and bought it!!!

So, flash forward a few months...I thought he might propose soon because the topic had come up a few times with friends and family. Well, Christmas passed, New Year's passed and still nothing. Then a few clues came, and I started to think it could be sooner rather than later. On New Year's Day his sister called him. Because I was standing close to him I could hear their conversation through his phone. The first thing she asked was, "Any news yet?" Hello Meredith's alert system...I thought that is weird, what news would he have that she wouldn't call me first? She usually calls me. Then two days later we got into an argument over money, and he said he was worried about a wedding, a house and kids. Another flag went off in my head. I thought, "why does he care about that all of a sudden?"

My birthday fell over the weekend, and by accident Casey kind of planned it. I kept battling with what to do, and he mentioned two of my favorite things to do in downtown, and that's what we did. He knows my obsession with Italian food so he suggested Buca Di Beppo...YUM! He also remembers how much fun we had the previous Cinco De Mayo at the Piano bar a few doors down, and I was in love with that idea.

Saturday rolls around and we head out to Buca. Dinner was amazing and shared with my wonderful friend, Cristina, my cousin Megan and her husband Richie, and our roomates, Lindsay and Randy. Amazing food!!!! They sang Happy Birthday in that utterly embarassing way and then we were on our way.

Casey and I were the last ones out the door and walking up the steps to leave. We got to the top, and everyone was waiting, but we were kind of hurrying because this is January in Ohio afterall and it was COLD! As we are about to turn to walk to the Piano Bar, Casey stops everyone and says, "I want to tell you all about my amazing girlfriend." As I turn to look at him, he is down on one knee and asks me to marry him!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!! I of course said yes!!!

Pictures, "Let me see the ring," congrats, hugs all followed! I of course called my mom immediately afterwards and sent texts out to everyone of the ring!! We went to the Piano Bar to celebrate, they brought us up on stage, sang to us and we got to dance. It was a truly AMAZING night -- one that I will never forget!

Wedding details to come ...

Unemployment No More!

So, in September 2009 I was let go from a new job in Atlanta. I worked there 18 days, and that was it. I was told, "It just isn't working out." I was unemployed for a year. It was a crappy year, and being unemployed truly sucks. Living off of $250 a week is nearly impossible these days. The unemployment played a part in the breakup Case and I had. However, thanks to a truly wonderful friend, Cristina, I got a job back in the field where my career began. I am back to working on McDonald's, but on the client side for an owner/operator! I have been there for more than six months, and let me tell you that agency vs. client is completely different! It has been a great blessing in my life, and having a paycheck again doesn't hurt either! =)

If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be

Love is unpredictable. This is certainly true for me this summer. My love life has been a true roller coaster -- full of ups and downs. Well, my was the other way around...the downs came first. As mentioned in previous posts, Casey and I broke up early this summer. We spent several months going our separate ways, but something always seemed to come up that kept us talking the whole time.

I was so heartbroken, but I kept telling mom that if it was truly over I would feel it in my heart. I referenced a line delivered in the movie "Anne of Green Gables, The Continuing Story." Her husband goes overseas during WWI and cannot be found. She says, "If Gil was truly dead, surely I would feel it in my heart." Now, there was not physical death in my relationship, but I just knew there was more to our story.

I have considered this summer a minor speed bump in a three year journey. So many people in my life have told me that they too hit the three year mark and took time apart. I guess it comes to a realization that this is real, and sometimes that is a hard concept to grasp. We're still young, still finding our paths in this life, and so what if it took us a few stop and go's to get there? We are so much stronger than I can remember, and have grown so much during this process.

I am so glad that we are working this through, and I love being with him. He makes me laugh, he picks on me to no end and I aggravate the hell out of him. =)

Three years down...many more to come!

Family Love

I have quite a big family. My mom has four siblings and my dad has five brothers. Between all those aunts and uncles I have 15 immediate first cousins and and 12 second cousins (my first cousins kids!). I have spent a lot of time in the past few years with my cousin, Elizabeth, and her three kids (Ryan, Jake and Brooke), my cousin, Megan, and her baby (Lilli) and my cousin, Jake.

They have kept me incredibly busy with everything going on in their lives. To say that they have been life savers would be an understatement.

Elizabeth has been the best "big" sis coaching me through all my adult crises over the past few years. Our relationship has grown so much now that I am in the real world. (We're 11 years apart in age.) And watching her kids grow up before my eyes is unreal. From bottles to full sentences and reading -- I cannot believe how much they have changed.

Megan and Lilli make me smile every day! Lilli just turned one. I can still remember the day she was born, and all the laps Meg and I walked around the maternity wing trying to get her to come out. She has always been determined and does things when she is ready/wants to. She is still this way...even a year later. I have never seen such a beautiful baby, and spending time with her makes you feel so youthful again. Everything is new and amazing again. And hearing her little words, and watching her imitate what you say/do is so precious.

Then, there's Jake. He is 14 and has more talent then I can even imagine. He is the lead singer in his band, and plays the harmonica. He loves Blues music, and does a hell of an impression on The Blues Brothers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blues_Brothers) music. He also imitates Ray Charles (http://raycharles.com/) and sadly all the characters from the TV show, Family Guy (www.tbs.com/FamilyGuy) . He has so much charisma and spunk, and is still your typical teenager. His mentors have called him "an old soul in a young body." You have to check out his YouTube page and see his talent for yourself (plus I created it -- so you know it's good!) www.youtube.com/JakeJamesFriel.

The Cardinal Rule of a Breakup

Ladies, what is the cardinal rule of a breakup? You must change your hair. So, that is exactly what I did. I cut four inches off! I haven't had my hair this short since I was a freshman in high school. It is really start to grow on me. The only bad part -- I have to actually do my hair every day. If you know me at all, and my getting ready ritual, then you know this is very difficult for me.

It is not the only thing that I changed. I moved out of my apartment with my ex. I was incredibly sad to leave the apartment that I turned into a home. I loved every bit of it. I loved the layout, and I decorated it exactly the way I wanted to. I definitely shed a few tears leaving it behind. Moving out really means that it is over, and my life will be different from now on!

So, I moved in with my cousin, Megan, her husband, Richie, and her baby, Lilli! On top of that I added my beloved cat, Chase, to the mix of their other two cats. The dynamic is quite strange for Chase. He does not understand the concept of "play" yet! This is my second stint with living with them. I moved in with them three years ago when I first moved to Ohio. I cannot believe that my life has circled back to this again.

As I am settling in to my new digs I am realizing a lot. I put a picture up on the dresser -- it is one of my all-time favorites of my cousins, Megan and Molly, and me in Vegas for Meg's bachelorette party/wedding. It was four years ago exactly when the picture was taken. I had just graduated from college, back off a trip to Europe and in Vegas with family -- yet I was unhappy. Unlike all the people I graduated with, I didn't have any job prospects, I was single and torn between two locations. Same things I am facing today (unemployed with no prospects, single after a three year relationship and torn between Ohio and Atlanta). I would pray all the time for an answer, and looking back on it now...all I had to do was be patient.

The week after I got back from Vegas (by the way -- one of the most amazing weddings I've been to in my whole life!) I landed an internship. Six months later I got my first job in the real world at an agency in Columbus, and six months after that I met Casey. It only took one year, and my life was totally different. I keep thinking about that time, and it has given me so much hope. I know this next year will completely change my life...I'm truthfully, kind of excited!

I recently came across this quote, and it truly sums up what is happening now!

"Life's about change, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, most of the time it's both."

For me right now...it's both. It started with a haircut...let's see where it leads! =)

Life's A Always Changin'

Well, it has been a while since I last posted anything. If I had known how much my life would change in the past few months, I would not have been able to imagine it. A little over three weeks ago my relationship of almost three years ended. I ran off to Atlanta to help heal my heart. It was something I needed to do to help realize the extent of what had happened.

This relationship was my life...it still kind of is. You don't just stop loving the person overnight. Letting go of the person who has been a part of your biggest learning years is incredibly difficult. Since leaving the nest three and a half years ago I have been on a personal identity journey. Casey was a big part of it. He stood by my side through it all. Learning to leave this chapter behind has been incredibly sad.

I have been in limbo for nearly the last month. Trying to determine where to live, and begin a new journey is, to me, the hardest part. I don't want to start over. It's never fun to start over, and make choices that will ultimately change your life is scary. I am ready to start sharing my journey because I think it will lead me down a path I never expected.

I thought I was getting engaged soon...not so much now. Here I am, 26 and single. I thought my single days were over. I am terrified to be single. I was single most of my life, and always the third wheel with my friends. I guess I am back to that point again, tear.

After going to the doctor today, I couldn't hide the true feelings. She could see right through my facade. She could see the depression I was trying to hide. I am sad that it was written all over my face...I thought I was doing so well.

As I am going through this I have started to read two books to help me through this. "Eat. Pray. Love" and "A Grace Disguised." What I have learned are two important things...I am definitely in the eating phase. Food is very comforting. I am comfortable admitting that this is the phase I am in. Cheers to it! The second lesson "loss is loss." It's ok to grieve, and for now that's what I am doing.

More to come on my new journey...