My Master Class

So, last week I watched Oprah's Master Class on her network, OWN. She said this line, and it really resonated with me. "Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for the moment that is to come." - Oprah This got me to think about two things: 1. What is my moment to come? 2. What would my master class look like? My moment to come: I have no idea! Is it a career moment? Is it my upcoming marriage? Kids? House? Who knows? I hope it is just a moment that provides happiness. All those listed items would be wonderful and truly welcomed. Given the chance though, I would not want to know what is coming. Part of the joy in life is not knowing what the future holds. I'm ready for whatever comes - because I've had quite a few speed bumps in my life. My Master Class: life lessons of a grieving child. What I have learned the most from are my losses. I have more empathy for loss than ever expected. And apparently, I am good at giving advice on tough subjects. Everyone has a solution answer to any loss, "It will be ok, you're better off without him, it will only make you stronger, blah, blah, blah." This is what you say when you haven't experienced something that devastating. No one tells you how to get through the every day crap. Yes, you will be fine after a loss, but there is no time limit on how long it takes. And being fine is just getting through the crap, healing is a whole other beast. I'm still figuring out how to heal from the death of my dad. In two days it will be 11 years since he passed, and I am still not ok. You usually bounce back to your previous self within a few months, but no one understands what every waking up every day after that loss feels like. It is so hard to fall asleep at night, because then you are truly left alone with your thoughts, and it so damn scary! And when you wake up you have this peaceful moment, and then the reality sets in. I have found several solutions...reading great books, and audio books! They are monotone enough that you can fall asleep, but enough to block out your thoughts. My favorites, and the ones I listen to every night are Janet Evaonvich's Stephanie Plum Series. Also, the best grief book, and I thank my mom for making me read it (10 years later) , is A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, by Jerry Sittser. ***Here are some disclosures about the books: if you are offended by any obscene language don't read the Janet Evanovich books - they are adult content. If your religious views are not of a Christian descent, A Grace Disguised may not be your cup of tea, but the overall message is amazing.*** Also, having panic attacks is not abnormal. Mine started four years ago. I have them under control now after consulting my doctor and understanding what they are. It took a while to know my triggers, and I know now. I have found through many conversations with women I know, they are very common. The pamphlet my doctor gave me said that they are most common in women in their twenties. A lot of life changes are just too much to handle and your body has reactions. Mine start with a warm feeling that starts in my head, moves down my body quickly and I get a numb feeling. Then my heart races, I sweat, and I feel like I am going to be incredibly sick to my stomach. I cannot breathe, I get the shakes and I feel like the only way I will be ok is that you have to take me to the hospital because I am dying. They say that they feel like heart attacks, and many people go to the hospital thinking they are having a heart attack, when in fact they are having a panic attack. I think the best advice of my master class would be that life is bumpy, grief is messy and there is no cure-all to loss. You have to take your own path, and hope that you have great friends, family and a spouse who can be there to help you. Casey knows when I say, "I'm having an attack," means stop what we are doing, help Meredith breathe and oddly enough - rub my stomach. I am reminded of a great quote from Sex and the City: Carrie: Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cites. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away. (Read more) Friends really are the key to survival, and hopefully, just a plane ride away. I am blessed and still healing.