If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be

Love is unpredictable. This is certainly true for me this summer. My love life has been a true roller coaster -- full of ups and downs. Well, my was the other way around...the downs came first. As mentioned in previous posts, Casey and I broke up early this summer. We spent several months going our separate ways, but something always seemed to come up that kept us talking the whole time.

I was so heartbroken, but I kept telling mom that if it was truly over I would feel it in my heart. I referenced a line delivered in the movie "Anne of Green Gables, The Continuing Story." Her husband goes overseas during WWI and cannot be found. She says, "If Gil was truly dead, surely I would feel it in my heart." Now, there was not physical death in my relationship, but I just knew there was more to our story.

I have considered this summer a minor speed bump in a three year journey. So many people in my life have told me that they too hit the three year mark and took time apart. I guess it comes to a realization that this is real, and sometimes that is a hard concept to grasp. We're still young, still finding our paths in this life, and so what if it took us a few stop and go's to get there? We are so much stronger than I can remember, and have grown so much during this process.

I am so glad that we are working this through, and I love being with him. He makes me laugh, he picks on me to no end and I aggravate the hell out of him. =)

Three years down...many more to come!

Family Love

I have quite a big family. My mom has four siblings and my dad has five brothers. Between all those aunts and uncles I have 15 immediate first cousins and and 12 second cousins (my first cousins kids!). I have spent a lot of time in the past few years with my cousin, Elizabeth, and her three kids (Ryan, Jake and Brooke), my cousin, Megan, and her baby (Lilli) and my cousin, Jake.

They have kept me incredibly busy with everything going on in their lives. To say that they have been life savers would be an understatement.

Elizabeth has been the best "big" sis coaching me through all my adult crises over the past few years. Our relationship has grown so much now that I am in the real world. (We're 11 years apart in age.) And watching her kids grow up before my eyes is unreal. From bottles to full sentences and reading -- I cannot believe how much they have changed.

Megan and Lilli make me smile every day! Lilli just turned one. I can still remember the day she was born, and all the laps Meg and I walked around the maternity wing trying to get her to come out. She has always been determined and does things when she is ready/wants to. She is still this way...even a year later. I have never seen such a beautiful baby, and spending time with her makes you feel so youthful again. Everything is new and amazing again. And hearing her little words, and watching her imitate what you say/do is so precious.

Then, there's Jake. He is 14 and has more talent then I can even imagine. He is the lead singer in his band, and plays the harmonica. He loves Blues music, and does a hell of an impression on The Blues Brothers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blues_Brothers) music. He also imitates Ray Charles (http://raycharles.com/) and sadly all the characters from the TV show, Family Guy (www.tbs.com/FamilyGuy) . He has so much charisma and spunk, and is still your typical teenager. His mentors have called him "an old soul in a young body." You have to check out his YouTube page and see his talent for yourself (plus I created it -- so you know it's good!) www.youtube.com/JakeJamesFriel.

The Cardinal Rule of a Breakup

Ladies, what is the cardinal rule of a breakup? You must change your hair. So, that is exactly what I did. I cut four inches off! I haven't had my hair this short since I was a freshman in high school. It is really start to grow on me. The only bad part -- I have to actually do my hair every day. If you know me at all, and my getting ready ritual, then you know this is very difficult for me.

It is not the only thing that I changed. I moved out of my apartment with my ex. I was incredibly sad to leave the apartment that I turned into a home. I loved every bit of it. I loved the layout, and I decorated it exactly the way I wanted to. I definitely shed a few tears leaving it behind. Moving out really means that it is over, and my life will be different from now on!

So, I moved in with my cousin, Megan, her husband, Richie, and her baby, Lilli! On top of that I added my beloved cat, Chase, to the mix of their other two cats. The dynamic is quite strange for Chase. He does not understand the concept of "play" yet! This is my second stint with living with them. I moved in with them three years ago when I first moved to Ohio. I cannot believe that my life has circled back to this again.

As I am settling in to my new digs I am realizing a lot. I put a picture up on the dresser -- it is one of my all-time favorites of my cousins, Megan and Molly, and me in Vegas for Meg's bachelorette party/wedding. It was four years ago exactly when the picture was taken. I had just graduated from college, back off a trip to Europe and in Vegas with family -- yet I was unhappy. Unlike all the people I graduated with, I didn't have any job prospects, I was single and torn between two locations. Same things I am facing today (unemployed with no prospects, single after a three year relationship and torn between Ohio and Atlanta). I would pray all the time for an answer, and looking back on it now...all I had to do was be patient.

The week after I got back from Vegas (by the way -- one of the most amazing weddings I've been to in my whole life!) I landed an internship. Six months later I got my first job in the real world at an agency in Columbus, and six months after that I met Casey. It only took one year, and my life was totally different. I keep thinking about that time, and it has given me so much hope. I know this next year will completely change my life...I'm truthfully, kind of excited!

I recently came across this quote, and it truly sums up what is happening now!

"Life's about change, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, most of the time it's both."

For me right now...it's both. It started with a haircut...let's see where it leads! =)

Life's A Always Changin'

Well, it has been a while since I last posted anything. If I had known how much my life would change in the past few months, I would not have been able to imagine it. A little over three weeks ago my relationship of almost three years ended. I ran off to Atlanta to help heal my heart. It was something I needed to do to help realize the extent of what had happened.

This relationship was my life...it still kind of is. You don't just stop loving the person overnight. Letting go of the person who has been a part of your biggest learning years is incredibly difficult. Since leaving the nest three and a half years ago I have been on a personal identity journey. Casey was a big part of it. He stood by my side through it all. Learning to leave this chapter behind has been incredibly sad.

I have been in limbo for nearly the last month. Trying to determine where to live, and begin a new journey is, to me, the hardest part. I don't want to start over. It's never fun to start over, and make choices that will ultimately change your life is scary. I am ready to start sharing my journey because I think it will lead me down a path I never expected.

I thought I was getting engaged soon...not so much now. Here I am, 26 and single. I thought my single days were over. I am terrified to be single. I was single most of my life, and always the third wheel with my friends. I guess I am back to that point again, tear.

After going to the doctor today, I couldn't hide the true feelings. She could see right through my facade. She could see the depression I was trying to hide. I am sad that it was written all over my face...I thought I was doing so well.

As I am going through this I have started to read two books to help me through this. "Eat. Pray. Love" and "A Grace Disguised." What I have learned are two important things...I am definitely in the eating phase. Food is very comforting. I am comfortable admitting that this is the phase I am in. Cheers to it! The second lesson "loss is loss." It's ok to grieve, and for now that's what I am doing.

More to come on my new journey...

Baby Love

My favorite time in last nine months has been hanging with Miss Lillian May (named after my late Grandma). My cousin, Megan, gave birth to this sweet baby last summer and I have been inundated with her ever since. Through our many times together, I think last night held one of my all-time favorites.

I was spending the evening at Megan's and hanging out with her and baby Lilli. We just finished her bath, and were getting her ready for bed when Megan turned on the radio in her room. One of Meg's favorite songs came on, and she instantly picked her up and started dancing with her. Lilli loves to dance -- she wiggles her legs, laughs and smiles so big.

As I was watching the two of them in that moment it took me back to memories with my parents where the world stopped and they lost their inhibitions and played along with me. It all went in slow motion, and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Knowing how loved that baby is, and how special she is to Meg is a moment I will never forget.

I wish I had taped it for Lilli to look back on one day. Meg is in the prime of her life with a great career, adoring husband, loving family and beautiful baby. She was glowing as she was dancing with her baby. I want her to see this time play back later because it is such a special time in the lives of the people who love her the most.

It made me want to have a moment like that of my own (not that I'm ready to be a mom). It made me think about that saying, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away." Last night I added a moment that took my breath away.

The Bachelor - Yes, Sadly...

Ok, the finale aired, and here I am posting about it. I have watched the show for three or four years consistently. I liked some, and others were awful. DeAnna...yuck. Brad...lame. Jason...humiliating someone on national TV...bastard. But I liked Jillian and I really liked Jake. Although, not necessarily for his final choice. I loved Ali and Tenley. Sweet girls with ethics...that is what women should exemplify on national TV where young girls tune in and base their decisions of love on.

I understand after watching the finale why he picked Vienna. He had that kid-like feeling and playfulness with her. I have that with my man. The ability to play like kids -- throwing snowballs in the snow, tickling someone till they can't breathe and chasing them around the house to try to pin them down to tickle them. To me, that makes a spark in your relationship that is vital. Picking her makes sense. He's had something for her from the beginning, and she gave him youthfulness. I love a quote from the movie Under the Tuscan Sun that says, "Never lose your childish innocence. It's the most important thing." I believe it truly is, and obviously Jake feels the same way.

I don't want to spend hours sharing my opinion on this show because it gets so much airtime as it is...so I will conclude this talking about the next show. I truly understand what Jake did, but he lost some really great girls, most notably, Ali. She's charismatic, full of life and has a career worth saving. I am looking forward to her because she seems genuine, and she will help little girls see what love is really about. It's worth loosing to find happiness, and stay true to yourself. I think that is the greatest lesson we can teach young women...fight for what you want and in the end it will all work out! Patience is a virtue, and taking time to find love is totally worth it!!

Hotchie's Daughter

Hotchie's Daughter might seem like an interesting title for the blog, but for those who know me knows that it holds a dear sentiment. I lost my dad at 16 to stomach cancer. You could say that it was the moment that changed me forever. He was my the first man to teach me everything. He was full of life, and was always willing to share his philosophy on everything about life.

He earned the nickname Hotchie as a child. He played softball all his life, until he was too frail to do it anymore. It all began on the softball fields in Richville with his brothers. They're still there today, and I pass them every time I visit my Grandma Quinn's house. As the story goes, he was trying to say "Watch it!" -- but he couldn't pronounce his "W's" correctly, so it came out "Hotch it!" The rest was history, as people say, and he was always known as Hotchie.

Throughout my life, even since his death, I am introduced to people around his hometown of Canton, Ohio as Hotchie's daughter. Naming the blog after him is just one way for me to keep a part of him alive.

Death played an important part of my life from when I was 12 - 18 years old as every two years someone I was close to passed away. I lost three Grandparents and close family friends all in that short time frame. What I have taken from all of it is that life is short, and I make it a point to spend as much time with my friends and family as I can. I still am trying to deal with all of it, as I feel I didn't really do that very much at the time. It is really tough, and knowing that in April it will be ten years since I lost the most influential man in my life, I am trying to find ways to share my story with others.

I know now that it is ok to admit that you never truly heal from a loss of that magnitude, and it is a process to move on from it. I am sure that many more posts about him will be prevalent on this blog because he had such an important impact on me.

For Hotchie -- always loving and missing you!