When You Lose Your Cheerleader

One of the hardest things to comprehend about an extreme loss, especially when you lose a parent, is the loss is bigger than them just not being there. It's a confidence shaker. Why? Think about your parents, and all the times they stood behind you or all the things of yours they came to...they've been your biggest cheerleader and supporter. Now think what a life without that unconditional emotional support is like. One thing I miss so much (although if he was here, he'd drive me nuts about it) is having him be the cheerleader as I venture through unemployment. He would've annoyingly "solved" the problem by pestering all his contacts until one of them hired me to shut him up. He'd be on the sidelines of my life rooting me on to get the job. 

I share all of this to help people who haven't lost immediate family understand more about all the ways the loss affects you. It's physical, and it's emotional in all aspects. It also doesn't matter that he's been gone so many years, in fact the length of his time gone is sometimes harder. All these moments, decisions and life choices made...without my other cheerleader screaming obscenities as he roots on his little girl. Tonight, I really miss him and wish I could hear his voice. 

Spirits Around Us

I've always been a firm believer that the spirits of relatives who have passed are around us constantly. I've had several encounters with my dad and grandparents in the 18 years since my Grammy and 16 years since my dad and Poppy passed. From feeling them to seeing white marks in pictures, all along the journey of life, I've encountered them. 

Last night, they clearly wanted their presence known. Mom, Charlotte and I went to a family reunion for my Grammy's side of the family. I tell mom we need our pictures taken because we're rarely all dressed with hair and makeup on at once. We're on the porch with mom's brothers and Grammy's brother, and my uncle snaps a bunch of pictures of the three of us. Nothing crazy, just an iPhone camera, no editing, just a bunch of about 15 pics. I get the phone and start looking at them. 

I'm not kidding when I say EVERY single picture we're covered in these white marks all around our faces and arms. 15 photos with changing from the three of us, to mom and me, to Charlotte and me. All of them. I get goosebumps looking at these. You can say it's the lighting or whatever, but as a believer who has had this happen to photos all these years, I know without a shadow of a doubt, my family surrounded the three of us. If they can't be here physically, they're here with their presence. ❤️ 

Here's one of the pictures with no editing: 

When Father's Day Finally Became Happy Again

Until June of 2014, Father's Day was always a day full of grief. I watched as friends posted happy memories of their dads, but I only had pictures to post of what I once had. My pictures show the age of how long it had been without him. 14 years of a day centered around celebrating a man who wasn't there. It was too devastating to bear. Then, like a sign from dad, my daughter was born on Father's Day weekend. I got to celebrate the day again by celebrating my husband as a dad. He's the best dad! So loving, doting and caring...he makes her world go round. The day finally became filled with happiness again. I was able to buy Father's Day gifts again, and the day isn't as bad anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely miss my dad. This day still hurts because he's not here, but my husband and daughter make it better. I would give anything to be able to call or see my dad, and I will when I leave this world, but until then, I have these two to enjoy. 

Happy Father's Day to my daddy in heaven, and to my amazing husband!

And if you still have your dad, call him, see him, hug him and tell him you love him. One day, you won't be able to do it anymore. 

The Way I Know He's Still Here...

When my dad died, one of the worst thoughts I had was knowing he would never meet my husband or children. At the time, it was merely a thought, but what happened years later is one way I know he's still with me. 

I've had moments throughout these 16 years where I've felt his presence, or known it was my dad running the show up in heaven that lead me to where I was. For one, I know he handpicked my husband, and found a way to get me to move to Ohio to meet him. And, It's also hard to deny the magic of heaven when my cousin drove down from Ohio while my dad was dying to share a little secret that made his appearance on my birthday, nine months later. But, on to the reason for this post in the first place...

As my daughter has grown up, and her hair actually came in, we've noticed it has an undeniable strawberry blond color. She gets it from my dad. It's a daily reminder that she has his DNA. He lives on through this mutual puzzle of genetics. There's Irish in that girl, and to me, it feels like it's a sign from my dad that he's still here. And, yes, it's technically a genetic luck of the draw that she got it, but it makes me smile everyday. Grief takes so many things away, but it gives back in strange little ways...this is one for sure!